So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
