Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She bit a glass in half.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
