before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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