I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
