So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
