how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
