Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
