That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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