I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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