I love black thongs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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