i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
