I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
