Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
