The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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