the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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