He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
