I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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