Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
