I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
