I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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