i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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