I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
