The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
PANTIES FOUND
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