I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
