you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
