So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
