I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize