My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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