I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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