I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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