my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize