I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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