and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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