I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How external is "for external use only"?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
