I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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