I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
