it hurts more in the daytime
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
