My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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