i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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