it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
