My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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