3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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