My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
