Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
