A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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