Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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