my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
