I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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