Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
