Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
