He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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