He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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