You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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