She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
