She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
