i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
