i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
