I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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