i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she looked like the before picture.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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