Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
