your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
