Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
