I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
